I’ve long threatened to write a column about why we shouldn’t worry about income inequality, but should worry about the actual prosperity (or otherwise) of the poor. In doing so, I coined a new term, which I hope will catch on: Ginidiocy.

A rant. I haven’t done a proper angry rant in a while.

Yesterday, I reported a problem with Vodacom internet access. The last time I did this, I had to call three times before an actual ticket was opened, but this one was assigned S2-DZW32-22J8E.

The symptoms were strange. My web browser, and several other applications that depended on http, did not work. Other data apps, like Twitter and Buzzbox, did work. I had already rebooted my mobile phone — an HTC Desire. I checked that I hadn’t been capped. Against both my wishes and better judgement, I followed the rather strange advice of the call centre agent to delete my cookies, cache and history, because (so they said) this takes up space and can make my internet access slow down or stop working. The “fix” didn’t work, obviously.

I was told there were no problems on the network, as always. The last time I reported an error and was told this — when they didn’t even bother opening a ticket — I called a network engineer in a nearby town, who had been helpful before. He promptly told me that they were already on site to solve capacity problems at my local tower. Nobody had bothered to inform the call centre, so the agents could tell me the problem was being seen to. No, it was my fault, my phone’s fault, or anyone else but Vodacom’s fault.

The time before that, the call centre also told me there were no problems on their network, and I should bring my phone in for repair. When the problem persisted for 48 hours, Vodacom’s CEO noticed my public complaints to @vodacom and got involved. It turned out a router 250km away from me kept falling over, affecting a huge region. It was such a critical network element that it could only be fixed and restarted after midnight.

So, when you call 082155 (Vodacom 3G Support) or 111 (Vodacom Customer Care), know that their default position is to lie to you. The call centre is never told anything by the network engineers, and refuses to listen to customers. Surely, when a customer explains in some technical detail what the symptoms are, an agent can skip the script designed for grannies with decade-old Nokias, or escalate the call to someone who actually has a clue?

This morning, the problem had been solved. Not because they fixed something, you understand. That would mean admitting there was something wrong with the network. I was going to let it slide, and then I received this smug SMS:

Message From Vodacom:The GPRS services have been tested and no problems were found.Pls check or activate your settings before further attempts to use the service.If your problem is ongoing pls consult with your closest Vodacare(Dial 125VODACARE Charged Call)in order to test your handset and the SIM.
Kind regards, Vodacom Customer Care E****** S***

You can sod right off, you lying bastard. Don’t blame my “GPRS” settings. And if you think I’m going to pay to “consult with Vodacare”, instead of reporting problems on your network, you’ve got another thing coming. (I blanked out the agent’s name, because it really isn’t their fault. It’s a systemic failure that is entirely management’s fault.)

Vodacom, sort out your business. I’m tired of being treated like fool whenever I use the proper channels to report problems. I’m tired of being lied to when your network monitoring systems or internal communications processes should have alerted you to the problem long before I happen to discover it. And I’m tired of having to abuse my position as a journalist by using contacts that ordinary customers don’t have, just to get a working service. You have millions of customers who don’t happen to have that level of access. They also pay good money for a working service. I have no more right to special treatment than they do.

Sadly, you can probably find/replace Vodacom and substitute any other telco’s name in this rant. I could switch, but I’ve done that before. I’ve used both MTN and Cell C, and they were no better (or worse). That’s the penalty consumers pay for the cosy cartel the government established. All one member has to do to keep customers is to be the least terrible choice. But that doesn’t give them the right to treat customers as annoyances to be fobbed off with lies and platitudes.

(Of course, now that I’ve complained in public, I’ve got the big shots on the case again. The Vodacom call centre called to apologise. A senior engineer called me from a skiing trip in Austria. Don’t you all wish you were that special?)

update: The ever-helpful Pieter Uys, the CEO of Vodacom, says that he has investigated the complaint, found the problem area, and will improve the service. His quick response does him credit, but I remain convinced that network or customer service issues too often land on his desk. It’s like going to the doctor: if you’re on first-name terms there’s probably something wrong.

I took the time to read the entire list of Gautrain rules. These aren’t just niceties. They have the full force of law, except that they’re enforced not by police, but by Gautrain officials. And these two-bit officials can ruin your credit record if you fail to pay a massive fine for chewing gum. Read more: Gautrain has a law unto itself

Eskom’s fears about rising electricity demand in 2011 bring home a simple lesson: agitating for “services for all” usually means not getting the services in question. My latest Daily Maverick column explores this irony.

You may also have missed a few holiday-season columns. The new year started with a piece on How to hire a hitman in SA. Before that, I was talking about taxis, traffic and road safety, in The oppression of taxis, and Arrive alive and neurotic. Earlier in December, I wrote two columns about WikiLeaks which proved to be sufficiently controversial to spark the interest of a few radio stations: One day we’ll all hate WikiLeaks and Protection of Information Bill and why WikiLeaks is so dangerous.

Hope you’re settling into the new year well. It promises to be a good one.

A happy new year to all. Here’s my first Daily Maverick column of 2011, by special request from two followers on Twitter: How to hire a hitman in SA.