During Holland’s first match against Denmark, the FIFascists arrested a bevy of beauties sporting little orange dresses. This prompted a promise on 22 June 2010, in one of my numerous columns on FIFA’s exploitation of South Africa during what was otherwise an excellent World Cup tournament: if Holland makes it to the final, I’ll wear an orange dress and drink Bavaria.

The specific column in which I made the commitment can be found here. There’s a selection of my columns on the subject of FIFA in my previous post. Do read them, if only for an explanation of my uncharacteristic garderobe.

Well, it is final day, and Holland is playing in a final for the first time in 32 years. Therefore, I’m making good on my promise. Here are the official photographs. Photo credits go to my friend Tony Nathan, of Nathan Studios. My thanks also to Trish Nathan for being an invaluable stylist. (Click through for larger versions.)

Go ahead, laugh. It’s all worth it just to be able to watch Oranje challenge for the 2010 World Cup.

It is time! As a consequence of my columns about how FIFA exploits South Africa, and Holland’s amazing success in reaching the final, I find myself having to wear a short orange dress during the World Cup final on Sunday.

To shed light on why I might do such a thing, here’s a summary of what led up to it. In essence, my columns have argued that we should boycott FIFA and its sponsors, for having hijacked our government, gained special rights including not paying tax, excluded South African businesses from the World Cup bonanza, and generally having proven themselves to be corrupt, exploitative and downright racist. These columns also contain the caveats: South Africa will (and did) run a great World Cup, and there’s nothing that stops us from celebrating that, or supporting our national sides. FIFA might own us, but that doesn’t mean we should act accordingly.

This is a selection of my columns on FIFA, as published at the always excellent online news magazine, The Daily Maverick.

5 January 2010: Boycott FIFA — It’s 2010. Adverts blare from every TV and radio telling us how marvellous the World Cup will be. Why, because FIFA hijacked our government?

20 April 2010: Who is ripping off whom? — South Africans are being admonished not to gouge tourists. But we’re not the real FIFA World Cup profiteers.

1 June 2010: The FIFA conquistadors are coming! — The moment we’ve been waiting for has arrived. Fifa is in town, with its batallion of jackbooted lawyers. Assume the position.

15 June 2010: Secretly, Match blames South Africa — The contempt in which Fifa and Match hold South Africans is astounding. Still, we’re an amazing country.

22 June 2010: I ordered an orange skirt — Who is incapable of hosting a World Cup now? While South Africa sails through with flying colours, FIFA stumbles at every hurdle.

6 July 2010: FIFA’s heart of darkness — With the tournament’s climax upon us, FIFA has shown its true colours: one of condescension, greed and ill-disguised racism.

So, to honour the commitment I made after the second round of group-stage matches, long before it was in any way clear that the Netherlands really would make it to the final, I have procured an orange dress, along with the necessary accessories. I have ordered Bavaria beer, in order to annoy the FIFascists. I have retained a non-FIFA-approved stylist and a retired glamour photographer who used to ply his trade in Soho, London. None of my expenditure will go to FIFA or its sponsors.

The product of these efforts will be published right here, on Sunday 11 July 2010. During the final itself on Sunday night, I will be wearing the orange dress at Bosuns Pub & Grill, on George Rex Drive in Knysna. I trust you will not embarrass me by actually swinging by for a laugh. I will be cold, not to mention ruthlessly mocked by the regulars. But for Holland’s first final in 32 years, it’s all worth it.

The second parallel for FIFA president Sepp Blatter is King Leopold II of Belgium, aka Leopold of the Congo. In it, I wrap up my series on FIFA with the observation that FIFA may claim philanthropic intent, but is intent only on exploiting Africa, and its racism is very thinly veiled. FIFA’s heart of darkness.

In the first of two comparisons that seemed apt for FIFA president Sepp Blatter, my recent ITWeb column considers his Luddite resistance to simple and effective technology that would improve refereeing and get us to talk about the game instead of about controversial decisions. Read more: King Ludd Blatter

While South Africa has passed its World Cup tests with flying colours, FIFA has proved to be rather less competent at staging such a big, global event. For some reason, this led me to promise to wear an orange miniskirt should Holland make it to the final: I ordered an orange skirt

Meanwhile, in more macho territory, a couple of Dutch fans arrived at my local in Knysna last night, on their way to Cape Town. They had with them a load of donated shirts and other goodies, and asked if we could arrange an early morning match in a local township. Of course we could. South Africans can arrange any match, anywhere, anytime. Click on the image for more pictures of this morning’s impromptu football in White Location.

Here’s a fairly comprehensive summary of why we should support our country and our team, but have nothing to do with the exploitation of FIFA: The Fifa conquistadors are coming!

My other columns on FIFA have been collected in a previous post: Boycott FIFA

I will have more to write concerning FIFA and Match, some of it in their own damning words.

PS. Here’s a #boycottFIFA ribbon for your Twitter avatar or Facebook profile picture.

My very first column for The Daily Maverick this year was a call to boycott FIFA. At the time, mine was a lone voice. Most people thought I was just being contrarian. I wasn’t. I really am incensed at the cavalier manner in which FIFA treats South Africans, and the way in which the government not only lets them get away with it, but aids and abets their plunder with special laws. As we got closer to the FIFA World Cup South Africa, more headlines began to appear in the mainstream media, documenting the real cost to South Africa — a developing nation that needs all the resources it can muster — of FIFA’s heavy-handed approach, special privileges, and allegations of corruption.

Boycott FIFA explains why I’m doing so, and that this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t enjoy the football, support our national team, or welcome our foreign visitors.

A few weeks later, an idea was floated to extort money from bars and restaurants who show the football. Because no court would sanction such a law, it was quickly scaled back to cover only venues that didn’t already have a liquor licence. Still, at R50 000 for a licence to serve liquor while showing the football on TV, it’s outright extortion. This was my initial reaction: Really, boycott the FIFA farce.

While everyone was getting shrill about the late Eugene Terre’blanche and young Julius Malema, it occurred to me that even if marketing was the only benefit we derived from the billions we spent on the World Cup, what exactly would we be marketing? Division? Racism? Anger? While FIFA takes over, we fight.

Among the reasons for objecting to FIFA’s presence in South Africa is the fact that local businesses, who were supposed to benefit from this expensive shindig, are not only being excluded, but are being unfairly accused of price gouging. The only people ripping off foreigners are FIFA and its exclusive marketing partner, Match Services. Only, the foreigners won’t know this, and they’ll blame us. Who is ripping off whom?

These are among the many reasons why South Africans should avoid supporting FIFA and its sponsors. They are exploiting a country that can ill afford it. Instead, support anyone who isn’t associated with FIFA. Help them turn this economic disaster into an opportunity, however small it may be.

Update: I’ve just created a Twitter ribbon (or “twibbon”) for your avatar, and a Facebook sticker for your profile pic. Show your displeasure with FIFA’s exploitation of South Africa. Get your #boycottfifa twibbon now.

The world didn’t end while I was on holiday, and neither did my columns. First, I grabbed a review unit — the sweet little Nokia Booklet 3G I had lying around — to take along. Security reasons, you understand. I had cleaned it up thoroughly in preparation for its return to Nokia, so imagine my surprise when I fired it up and it alerted me of a new email. That prompted this column on ITWeb. I always said Google could very easily be evil.

While I was away, I first wrote a column in response to the UK parliamentary whitewash of the East Anglia Climatic Research Unit email leak. However, the noise around Eugene Terre’blanche and Julius Malema prompted its delay, in favour of this: While FIFA takes over, we fight. A week later, upon my return, Anatomy of a whitewash found its way online.

I have some more very juicy bits lined up about FIFA. It doesn’t get any prettier as we count down to the World Cup. I’ll keep you posted.

It’s almost time for the 2008 Olympics, and the Chinese authorities are making sure their coming out party is as green as possible. And what does environmentalism entail? Draconian restrictions, of course. The Communist Party of China no doubt can relate to the greens’ penchant for fascist measures to save the rest of us from ourselves.

In a bid to pacify the environmental tyrants of the occident, the communist tyrants of the orient have instituted a ban on cars. Beijing residents will be limited to driving only every other day, with the aim of halving the usual 3.3 million cars on the road. Additional restrictions will shut down (and even move out of the city) many major factories.

BEIJING (Reuters) — Beijing will introduce “odd-even” traffic restrictions for two months from July 20 to help ease congestion and reduce pollution during the Olympics and Paralympics, officials said on Friday.

Authorities hope the regulations will take 45 percent of the city’s 3.29 million cars off the road and reduce emissions from vehicles by 63 percent, officials told a news conference.

[…] Those affected by the ban will be compensated by not having to pay road or vehicle taxes for three month, costing the city about 1.3 billion yuan ($189 million).

Violators would be punished “according to relevant national and local regulations” and lose the compensation.

Only 70 percent of government-owned cars will be included in the scheme.

And if you’re sufficiently poor to have an older, high-emissions car (of the kind Britain’s PM, Gordon Brown, unapologetically wants to use as an excuse to super-tax the working class), you don’t get to drive it at all.

Over at the Huffington Post, this measure is considered a mere band-aid. One dreads to think what a real cure would look like.

And while you park your car, and close your factories, and stop smoking, and renounce your right to protest or get drunk, here’s what you shall cheer, the “spiritual civilisation bureau” decrees: “Aoyun! Jia You! Zhongguo! Jia You!”

The offically-approved cheer, complete with “civilised” gestures, is being taugh through official media and school training programmes. Note the faceless face of “civilisation”. Reports the BBC: “Li Ning, president of the Beijing Etiquette Institute, told the Beijing News that the cheer was in line with general international principles for cheering, while at the same time possessing characteristics of Chinese culture.”

Good to know we have international principles for cheering. I’ll confess I’ve been very disturbed by the uncivilised cheering I’ve come across. Granted, this involved anti-social people who even had the temerity to wear individual faces in public. Shameful. Glad they’re cracking down on that sort of thing.

Just when you thought this couldn’t get any funnier, you discover that with beautiful irony, the cheer means, “Olympics! Add oil! China! Add oil!”

Not if you have the misfortune of being a Chinese citizen in Beijing, you don’t.

Our own politicians and 2010 World Cup organisers undoubtedly have luxury box seats at the Beijing Olympics, where they’ll be learning from the masters how to please the world’s eco-fascists.